


Determined to live.

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Coping, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Loss, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Regret, Self-Harm, Survivor Guilt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, this entire fic is just suffering sorry guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After the battles that had claimed the lives of so many teammates and friends, Steve and Tony struggle to cope.~~~TRIGGER WARNING: There is a moderately graphic description of self harm in this story, please don't read if it's too much for you. (Take care of yourselves!)





	Determined to live.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, here it is.

Tony Stark had a long road to recovery. It had taken years, but he had finally been declared stable and okay to go back to being just Tony Stark, not Tony “I have a psychiatrist’s appointment at seven thirty, sorry to but this short” Stark. For a while, it almost seemed like he had it all figured out.

And then the trainwreck the press had so delicately named the “Civil War” happened, and Tony’s evidently fragile grasp on his mental health shattered. He was a wreck, and it seemed that Tony had finally entered a rut even Pepper couldn’t pull him out of. After a while, it seemed even she gave up trying. 

“I can’t lose you, Tony.” She would murmur into his neck, late at night, and he would hold her a little tighter in response. They didn’t speak, they didn’t have to. They both knew better than anything that he couldn’t live without her.

So, he went on being unstable, made more advancements beyond what anyone had ever expected from him, unofficially adopted a teenage superhero, and tried his damn best to protect the citizens of the Earth he and his team so frequently put in danger. And, from all that distance away, his team. 

It had seemed an impossible feat, but Tony did his best. Yet, he never proved himself brave enough to just fucking _call_ Steve. He justified it by reminding himself that Steve never did, either.

Still, as miserable and depressed as Tony had been, he had a semblance of hope. Some innocent part of him held on to the idea that they would figure it out, they _would_ , and everything would be okay. 

And then Titan happened. 

Everything Tony had built, any semblance of hope, came crashing down on top of Tony, all at once, and he was suddenly the same broken man he had been in that dark cave in Afghanistan. 

He got back to Earth, of course he did, there was a wrecked ship. He fixed it, the entire time wishing it had been him to disappear. He had failed everyone. Everyone he had met, and _Peter_ , jesus christ Peter.

The kid had only ever been doing his best, and Tony had never even told him how proud he was of who Peter had become. He rarely took time out of his day to thank him for working so hard, for keeping Tony around even after he had all the money he could ask for, for just plain _existing._

Tony understood now why people told him Iron Man wasn’t good for him. The suit allowed him to ignore that ever present truth: _You can’t save everyone._

Tony knew, deep down, that this was bound to happen. His team was gone, and they all hated him, and it was completely his fault. For a while, he didn’t even know if Pepper or his team was alive, but they finally made it back to Earth.

That didn’t make it better, because of fucking course it didn’t.

The Avengers that were left, and wow, Tony never wanted to say that ever again, came immediately back to the tower. After something like that, there were no harsh feelings. It hung heavy in the air, that they had all failed. Nobody spoke about it, except for when somebody was found crying.

Tony had Friday alert him whenever anyone in the tower was crying, having a panic attack, or attempting to hurt themselves.

The last feature had been an afterthought, almost not implemented, but in retrospect, it was entirely necessary. 

It had been well past four in the morning, and Tony was working, like usual. The only person left with him was Nebula, and it was long after Bruce and Shuri had left to get some much needed sleep. Friday had chimed him in, and Tony felt pure fear rush through his system.

“Go. This is important.” Nebula had told him. “I’ll be here when you get back.” Tony shook his head as he backed towards the door.

“Go to sleep, Nebula. You need it. I’ll try to after this.” He said, sprinting out of the room and into the elevator.

Barely thirty seconds later, the doors opened, and Tony sprinted out, and he knew he was too slow. He was always too slow to help people. Never good enough. Never, ever, good enough.

He arrived at the door, and tried to open it. The handle didn’t budge. 

“Friday, override. I need in.” Tony said, and there was no response for a moment.

“I’m sorry sir, but I have been given strict instructions to leave this door locked until further notice.”

“Oh, _hell_ no.” Tony mumbled, slamming the weight of his body into the door, stumbling in when the door gave under his strength. His eyes scanned the room, panicked and wild.

They settled on a large frame, huddled in the corner, sobbing heavily. 

Tony rushed over to him, and without hesitation, pulled the blade out of his hands.

“Rogers, _stop._ ” Tony commanded, pocketing the blade and rushing to the bathroom. He gathered peroxide, bandages, a cup of water, and a rag, and rushed back to Steve, who was now looking up and Tony and sobbing.

“It’s my fault, Tony.” He whimpered, eyes red and face wet with tears. Tony crouched down next to him, and wet the rag. He pressed it against Steve’s wrist, against the angry red lashes crisscrossing up and down his left arm. He held pressure there with one arm, and held Steve close with the other.

“No, Steve. Don’t even fucking tell yourself that, we both know it’s just you guilt tripping yourself. It’s nobody’s fault.” Steve trembled as another wretched sob forced itself from his body, and Tony pulled away to fix him up.

“Listen to me, Steve. I know what it feels like to blame yourself, trust me. But that doesn’t mean that this is the way to cope. We’ll help you, Steve.” Tony said seriously, disinfecting and wrapping his wounds. Steve hiccuped and looked up at Tony, looking so young, so helpless, that Tony almost didn’t recognize him.

“They’re all gone, and it’s my fault, Tony.” He whimpered, and Tony went right back to holding him. Surprisingly, Steve leaned right into the touch and pressed his face into the worn fabric of Tony’s shirt.

“None of this is your fault Steve, you did more than any of the rest of us could have ever dreamed we would. You can’t blame yourself, please listen to me.” Tony all but pleaded, and Steve didn’t respond. Instead, the two sat in silence, holding each other closely. It was silent but for the quiet sounds of Steve’s tears.

“We all lost more than anyone ever should, Steve. Listen to me. You fought until you couldn’t anymore, and then you got up and kept fighting. We all admire you, Steve. You’re stronger than I could ever be. This isn’t the answer, Steve. We’ll make it through this.”

“Are you guys close?” Steve asked, and Tony nodded against him.

“Yeah. Between Scott, Shuri, Bruce, Nebula, and I, I think we can figure it out soon. Real soon.” He said, and Steve nodded furiously against him.

“Good. Want them back.”

“Me too, Steve. It’s gonna be alright.”

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I use writing to cope with things that happen to me, and the reason the last lines of dialogue don't really resolve as much as they could is because I had an experience very similar to those last bits (Minus the superheroes, and only some of the death of loved ones), and I thought it fit these characters well, so I included it. 
> 
> Sorry this is so short, it was just very emotionally draining to write, and thus it isn't as good as a lot of my other work, but it's still going up.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought, kudos, comments, and critiques are all welcomed! Thanks so much for reading! <3


End file.
